Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Things not to do on a visit to Toronto

So Jenn and I went to Toronto last week to see Joe Rogan at the Sony Centre, and per usual it ended up being quite the comedy of errors.  Nothing can ever be simple.  Here's how our evening went down - learn from our mistakes.


  • The story starts with me being an idiot.  I was heading to Toronto after work, so I brought clothes to change into.  But I wanted to wear something new, so I figured I would just bring my jeans and buy a new top on my lunch break.  No such luck - I couldn't find ANYTHING that didn't look terrible on me, and I was too stupid to bring a backup top.  (Jenn's email to me at work when I was explaining my predicament?  "Dude, you ALWAYS bring a backup/standby that you know will work!")  I'm dumb.
  • So I had to do some panicked shopping after work and found something decent enough to wear.  But realize that my hair looks like garbage and I'm generally a walking human disaster.
  • Go to Walmart (the White Oaks Mall Walmart, which is THE WORST) after changing my shirt in the car (possibly while driving) so I can buy some elastics to deal with my hair.
  • Fix my makeup since Jenn specifically requested that I wear eyeliner.  I have lowered the bar for my appearance so much that Jenn knows if I'm wearing eyeliner it's a big deal.  That's all it takes for me to go from normal everyday Ashlie to "fancy" Ashlie.
  • I was driving, and it was my first time driving to Toronto.  We left later than expected, but still made good time getting there.  Of course, I'm a genius and forgot to pee before leaving London, but still managed to down a large Diet Coke before making the drive.  So by the time we got there, I had to leave my pants unbuttoned while driving.
  • We thought we were being smart when we found a link on the Sony Centre website where you could pre-pay for parking.  Brilliant!  It was for the lot right across the street, we got a bar code to scan and we figured we were all set.  Woo hoo - we are soooo smart!  We'll just roll up and be good to go!  Except we got there, and couldn't find the lot ANYWHERE.  We drove around in circles (in downtown Toronto, while I was trying not to explode from needing a bathroom) but couldn't find it anywhere.  Finally I decided that it was worth it for me to spend $15 to get to a bathroom, so we just sucked it up and paid to park in another lot.  BEWARE THE PREPAID PARKING.
  • While hobbling up to the theater (seriously, I had to pee so badly that I couldn't stand up straight, but I somehow managed to button my pants back up.  Stupid pants.) a security guard out from looked at us and said, "Sorry ladies, but the show has been cancelled."  Nice try, security guy.  The comedy is inside, not out here!
  • Found the glorious, glorious bathroom - I couldn't even catch enough of a break to have it be close by though, it was way down in the basement.  Ugh, stairs.
  • Finally able to walk normally, beer was needed before finding our seats.
  • Enjoyed the comedy show (I quite enjoyed it - his stand up was very similar to the podcast.  Jenn wasn't quite as impressed as I was.)  Decide against sticking around to fight a crowd for a picture with him afterwards and decide to just get back on the highway.
  • Get honked at in the parking garage for NO REASON except the other driver was stupid and apparently expected me to drive through other cars so she could get out sooner.
  • Get back onto the highway and make our way out of Toronto.  Stupidly comment on how we're making good time.
  • Get bogged down in some construction.  Boo.
  • Finally make our way through the construction, but suddenly realize that we've managed to get onto the QEW to head to Niagara.  Not exactly what we wanted to do.  I swear, there was construction, then the painted lines were all messed up, then all of a sudden we were going the wrong way.  No signs, no warning.  
  • Manage to make our way into downtown Hamilton and find a much-needed McDonalds.
  • Have the strangest McDonalds worker ever.  He takes my order, then completely ignores Jenn while we wait an obscenely long time for my order.  When he apologizes for it taking so long because they were making new fries, Jenn tells him that he can go ahead and throw a Filet O' Fish in there too.  So weird.
  • Get the hell out of Hamilton with our food and get back onto the highway.
  • Get home and in bed by 2:00 a.m., which was my pre-planned goal.
Moral of the story?  Always bring a backup outfit, prepaid parking is bullshit, you never want to have to detour through Hamilton, and Jenn and I always have bizarre encounters with strangers.

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