Tuesday, 18 June 2013

The Unshushables

Until this past Friday night, I had never shushed someone in a movie theater in my life.  I've given the Jerry Seinfeld over the shoulder eye roll/glare, but that's about it.  That's all changed now though!  Allow me to set the scene.

It's the opening night, 7:40 p.m. show of Man of Steel.  Not just any opening night show though, this is the IMAX 3D show.  We're talking $17.50 a ticket, so one would expect the theater to be full of go-hards and big fans - maybe not even particularly Superman fans, but people are a fan of the movie-going experience at the very least.  I love being able to see a great movie on a giant screen with amazing sound.  Some people don't care, they don't mind to watch a movie at home.  But I would like to think that most people who are willing to fight the crowds on an opening night for an IMAX show are there because they genuinely are excited for the experience.

So there's me.  To my right are people as far as I can see.  There's a person to my left, then an empty seat, then these other two people.  Movie starts and what do I hear coming from those two people who are two seats away?

Chat, chat, chat.  Not just whispered reactions - I totally get the whispered reactions.  Something good happens, or you want to point something out to your friend or whatever, that's cool.  I can get on board with that.  But if I can hear you talking away consistently through the first 15 minutes of the movie, your ass is getting a shushing.

I waited until I couldn't stand it any longer, then finally leaned over as far as I could and gave them a big ol' SHHHHHHH!!!!  And I swear, the look the guy gave me was so shocked you would have thought that I'd just burst into his living room, dumped a drink in his lap and then punched him in the face.  He seemed to have no concept that they were bothering anyone.

So my shush worked for all of about 20 minutes before chatter started again, at least there was chatter in between the insanely loud eating that was happening.  You know how sometimes you can hear someone in a theater who is not only chewing loudly but seems incapable of moving without making excessive amounts of noise from the packaging of whatever they're eating?  That was this guy.  Chomp, chomp, chomp, rustle, rustle, chatter.  Ugh.

So the movie ends, they get up to leave while my group and I wait through the credits for any secrets (spoiler alert, there are none).  After the noise factory leaves we were talking about the shush heard round the theater.  Two guys in the row ahead of us even thanked me for shushing them because they had been so bothered by the talking - and they had to put up with the noisy-pants also kicking their seats the entire time, not to mention they had a Tommy Texter beside them.

I told them I'd noticed the Tommy Texter and he was driving me crazy too, but he was outside my shushing jurisdiction.  That one was on them.  Tommy Texter was also that guy who had to jump up and leave the theater TWO MINUTES into the movie, then continued to walk in and out of the theater several times after that, until finally he just didn't come back.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?  I don't ask for much.  I'll let some shit slide.  Like I said, a whisper reaction or two is fine.  I'll even let you check your phone once or twice if you need to quickly see something.  But when you make it constant and when you've already been made aware of the fact that you're actively bothering people around you, at that point a public flogging should be allowed or something.

So there you go.  Consider yourselves warned.  My name is Ashlie, and I will shush your ass when necessary.

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