Wednesday, 15 August 2012

A Couch Potato's Review of the Olympics

You know how some people are just "Olympics people"?  I'm an Olympics person.  I can clearly remember my Grandma Millie taking me out to some gas station in the middle of nowhere to see the Olympic torch in 1988, I stayed up as late as I could in 1992 to watch the Barcelona Olympics, and then binged on winter Olympic goodness in 1992 and 1994 when the made the switch from having both summer and winter games every four years to having either one every two years.  What can I say?  I like watching weird stuff like fencing.

This year's Olympic games seemed to be oddly filled with controversy and memorable moments, so what better way to remember the London Olympics than by having all of you read all of my random thoughts?

Let's proceed, shall we?

Opening ceremonies
I loved the opening ceremonies, even though I ended up watching CTV's primetime feed, which I didn't realize until the next day had been edited.  When everyone was talking about the appearance of multiple Marry Poppins and Voldemort, I was so confused!  So boo to CTV not necessarily for editing it, because I get that, but for not airing a warning that it had been edited for time constraints.

Also, the opening ceremonies gave me a thought.  Since the ceremonies were directed by none other than Mr. 28 Days Later himself - Danny Boyle - I thought these games called for a revisit to that material.  Imagine if the Rage Virus had another outbreak in England during the freaking Olympics.  Usain Bolt is now a super fast Rage zombie, Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte are swimming across the Channel to spread the infection - just a rampage of  already superhumans now infected with Rage.  What a missed opportunity!  Danny Boyle, call me up.  We can still make this happen.

Beach volleyball uniforms

There was a lot of chatter about how beach volleyball players were no longer required to wear bikini uniforms this year, as well as a lot of frowns on some of the footage that focused heavily on the assets of the players.  Here's the thing - the Olympics are kind of inherently sexy.  You're talking about thousands of people in absolute peak form.  So yeah, there are a lot of hot asses out there.  And you know what?  If I looked like those beach volleyball players do, I would wear that freaking bikini uniform everywhere.  Dentist's office, grocery store, going to the movies, you name it.  They look amazing, so if they want to wear the bikini, awesome.  As far as it being sexist and that the men don't receive the same kind of attention, let's be honest, who the hell watches men's beach volleyball?  The women are amazing, I would much rather watch them.  Besides, I prefer to objectify the male divers and swimmers.

In a similar vein, I heard all the same rumours about all the sex that happens in the Olympic Village.  OF COURSE there's a lot of sex.  Once again, these are highly trained athletes who are super hot and under extreme stress.  Ya gotta let off steam somewhere.  So if Usain Bolt wants to party with a bunch of ladies after securing his place as the fastest man alive, who the hell cares?

Badminton controversy
People were throwing games in badminton.  It's badminton.  Let's make room for another cooler event perhaps, yes?

Phelps is a douchebag
Why were so many people rooting against Michael Phelps this year?  It was his last Olympics, and I wanted to see him win and shatter that record to become the most decorated athlete in history.  Say what you will about him, the man is a freak of nature and deserves every medal around that neck.

Ryan Lochte peeing in the pool
So Ryan Lochte admits to peeing in the pool.  Here's the thing - everybody pees in the pool.  Can you imagine how much time he spends in the pool?  I really don't think he meant that while he was in mid-breaststroke he just started peeing, but if he's in the pool for hours on end, sure he's going to pee.  I bet he pees in the shower too.  It's all pipes!  Besides, urine's sterile.

Canada gets ripped off in soccer
I only half watched this game.  Sorry, but I'm not a big soccer fan.  I don't know anything about soccer except that I think there should be a bicycle kick at least every 8 minutes to keep me interested.  But from what I understand, Canada got pretty majorly ripped off here, and that's not cool.  Bravo to our players for speaking their mind afterword and for still pulling out a bronze.

Pole Vaulting
Who decided that it wasn't enough to just jump over a pole, but you should use another pole to launch yourself into the air to do it?

Oh, NBC.  You were really digging yourself a hole for these Olympics.  Airing high-profile events on a time delay, and the spoiling the surprise of Missy Franklin winning the gold just moments before she does it.  Really, NBC?  Really?  Then you top it all off with the release of the Bodies in Motion video?  The not even veiled showcase of those sexy athletes?  Just own up to it, don't be all "It's just a celebration of the athletic form".  No.  Like I said, there are some super hot Olympians out there.  Don't be afraid of it NBC, just say it.  But did you really have to add the music?

Steeplechase is the weirdest event ever

You run, you jump over a little fence.  You run, you jump over another little fence.  You run, you jump over another little fence only now there's a puddle when you jump over it.  Repeat until finished.

Closing ceremonies
Muse was awesome, they just make my ears happy.  Eric Idle was awesome and lovely. The Spice Girls were super entertaining, Posh looked fantastic as always, and I was in love with Geri's Union Jack bustle.  I loved the fashion segment, if only to see Kate Moss looking annoyed at being there (but still amazing) and the always awesome Lily Cole.

When the Freddie Mercury part started, I was just like, "Mom, it's Freddie."  and we both stood in the living room, completely transfixed by just his image on a screen, on a screen.  The Brian May came out and we both continued to stand and smile and marvel at the awesomeness.  Then Jessie J came out and we both just frowned and walked away.  No.  Just no.  It should have been Freddie on a screen the entire time.  Or they should have done a Freddie hologram.  Tupac gets a hologram, but Freddie doesn't?  Not cool.

Rio's opening ceremonies are going to be freaking awesome.  They know how to party and make sexy people.  Is that stereotypical of me?  It's not offensive if your stereotype is awesome, right?  If they thought there was a lot of focus on people's asses in these Olympics, just wait until Rio.

What did you think of the Olympics?  Are you a junkie like me, or do you just avoid the TV for a couple of weeks?  I'm in withdrawl already!

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